There are only two things that I fear in life after Allah (SWT) and they are myself and death.
Myself because no one knows my weaknesses better than me. Nobody knows my strengths and my bad points. I know my past and the horrible things. I know myself better than anyone else and I can destroy myself easily in the blink of an eye or gradually like cancer. It’s dangerous. But to keep the fear back, I have to think positive. I have to laugh, live, love. I have to enjoy my life and create those moments that overcome the horrible memories. And so, I try…
Death. Death scares me because, well, first of all it’s death. It’s the end of life on earth. I don’t know what the after-life holds but death still scares me. The fact that I can or anyone can just die any day, any hour, any minute or any second horrifies me the most. The fact that I can lose anyone I care about at anytime, scares me to my bones. I could just casually be walking from school to home and I could get hit by a car. I could just be sitting in the car and a bus could crash in and crush me to pieces. I could just be laying in bed and my heart could stop functioning. I could just go to sleep one night and not wake up ever again. I will only be in the memories of a person I once knew. I will only be a memory and then after a couple of months I will be forgotten.
This could happen any day and so this is why I don’t want to be a bad memory for anyone. I want to be a person you have a joyous moment connected with. I don’t want to leave with things unsaid and feelings unshared. I don’t want to leave with stories untold and memories unmade. I don’t want to leave a bad impression on anyone because I know that everything I do or say is being recorded by God’s Angels and God Himself is watching me. And I don’t want to leave a bad impression on Him because I don’t want to upset Him and I don’t want to be punished by Him.
I could leave any second and nobody would even notice. I can. And so that is why I always want to stay connected and tell people that I care about them. That I love them and miss them. If I don’t say it directly, I tend to make small gestures. I always want them near me and I always want to tell them that I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to be away. But even if I want to tell some people, I can’t. Sometimes, even if I do tell them they don’t seem to understand that I am being serious. They take it as a joke probably because I am mostly joking. But then sometimes they make fun of it and it hurts. It hurts but I’m satisfied that I told them how I feel about them. Even if they think of it as a joke, I’ll be happy because I told them and maybe they’ll understand sooner or later.
But if they don’t understand that I can do nothing. There’s no point in telling them ever again. Why waste your time telling them again when they won’t even try to understand? Why do you want to keep hitting a brick wall with stones again and again? It never works and that is why it hurts.
A lot of times, I just want to text them or call them or just tell them that I miss them and I love them and I really do care about them but I hesitate because they don’t even give a crap about me. It just hurts more and more and eventually I get tired and give up.
People often forget that they are going to die one day. Everyone is. What if tomorrow you’re not alive and you haven’t told your loved ones enough that you love them? Did you appreciate them as much as you should’ve? We won’t even realize and the next thing we know is we’re in the grave being questioned about our lives.
So when anyone tells me that they miss me or love me or they even just say that they care about me, I take it seriously and appreciate it as much as I can. Because I know I can be gone any moment. I’ll be satisfied that at least I tried.
So when I tell you that I miss you, I love you or care about you I honestly mean it. Please know that I do because I can be gone any moment and I just want to be honest. Just to let you know.
I’ve wanted to say this since a long time but I couldn’t collect myself to do so. The number of times I’ve tried telling you this is countless, so I wrote it down instead. Here it goes…
I love you. I really do. Not the (puppy love) I love you, the (No one captured my heart quite like you did) I love you. Not that I haven’t tried loving someone else, it’s just that you move me chemically more than anyone I’ve ever met, that all other men seem pale beside you.
It may sound so cheesy but it’s true. It was because of you that I understood dumb love songs and kissing and why it was a beautiful thing. Why couples danced with each other and why heart broken people cried and why they stay away from everyone, because they’re afraid that while making new memories they’ll lose the ones of their lover. I’m afraid too.
I’ll just write this one small paragraph I read in a book that very much defines my feelings for you,
“I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed, and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I’m in love with you.” And it is true that I know in the end it’s all going to be forgotten and in the end we’re all going to die but I still love you.
There are a lot of things that make me think of you. And I don’t know why they do, but they just do.
Every time I close me eyes it’s like a dark paradise where I’m happy and with you doing something cool like a water fight or just walking or just driving and listening to music. I often think of a life together but I know it is naive of me to think so. It’s never possible, I know. I’ve accepted it. But I fall in love with you more and more everyday. I fell in love with you the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. I have no clue how it happened, it just did.
And I could start fires with what I feel for you. You are the words left unsaid at 11pm and the thoughts that wander in my head at 2am. You are a cinema and I could watch you forever. And I could write you letters telling you how I feel about you, every week. But that’s not possible either.
I think about what we once had and even though it makes my chest hurt, I’m really glad it happened. Every time we talk to each other, you give me a forever within those numbered minutes, and I’m grateful. I’ll always be.
And in the end, I’ll just say that,
“If people were rain, I was drizzle, and you were a hurricane.”
When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
Hope comes in many types and for many reasons but the main goal of hope is to give positive attitude. Hope is a really strong feeling but sometimes it is crushed so badly that one just simply can’t imagine the outcome. Hope is a really meaningful word. No one should ever have the rights to bring you down. Hold on to the hope. Yeah, sometimes hope is great and sometimes it’s a bitch but giving up isn’t the right thing to do. Believe in yourself. Achieve your goal. Try for it a million times because may be it isn’t happening now but later on in life may be it does happen. People will let your expectations down, tell you that it ain’t worth. Many objectives will come in your path. Some may lift you up and some may beat you down to the ground. When something or someone brings you down what makes you rise up? Is it your magical powers? Well, HELL NO! It’s HOPE. It is the first feeling that strikes in your heart and mind, Suppose that tomorrow is a new day and you start it with hope. Hope takes you into so many twists and turns but you are the only one who knows that how much you really tried, you struggled for it, you gave up but still got up again.
So, dear world, kindly let others live their lives peacefully and for goodness sake stop destroying others hope. 😀
What is trust? According to an ordinary dictionary or wikipedia it means “Reliance on another person or entity”. Amazing how they explained the word Trust in just a single small sentence.
Yes, the word Trust means alot to me. I’ve known it’s value since my childhood but after understanding it, struggling for it, going through alot, I value it more than ever. Trust is not just relying on another person or entity. It’s alot more than that. Trusting someone or something creates a special bond and when the trust is broken, the bond is broken as well. You may trust the person again after everything being cleared, but the bond won’t be as strong as it was before.
To me, trust has different at every age. When I was a kid, to me trust was that I knew I could hold my mother’s fingers as she taught me how to walk. As I grew up a year or two, to me trust was that I knew my father was right when he said I will be okay as I was taking my first cycling class. Few years later, to me trust was that I knew I could hold both my parents’ hands as we cross the road because I knew they would keep me safe from the fast vehicles. As I went to school and made very few friends, to me trust was that I knew I could be happy with these people.
Now, after so much has happened, the people I trusted have betrayed and left me excluding my parents and a very few friends left of the few I had made. Now, to me trust is a very precious gift. A gift I wouldn’t give to people so easily. Now, to me trust is that I know I can share each and every bit of my life and thoughts with my friends without hesitating or worrying about the talk spreading across people. Now, to me trust is a very special and unique bond. I do not have to hesitate to share my feelings with the people I trust no matter how childish it is.
Trust is hard to gain these days because of many sad reasons. Some of them are family problems, relationship problems and failures, betrayal and even due to some mental disorders. But it depends on us if we really want to gain their trust and help them out or just leave them at their own, which is worse. Some people even get a phobia of trusting people , called Pistanthrophobia, due to past experiences. Help them out. Earn their trust. Teach them to trust again. Make them live their life without any fear.
It takes a lot of truths to trust but just one lie to destroy it. Never lie to someone who trusts you and never trust someone who lies to you. Do not trust words so much, trust actions. The base of every relation is trust and without trusting eachother there is no use of keep going on. But the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
A girl is simple yet she seems to be very complicated. A girl is unique and passionate. She tries her best in everything. She will love you endlessly and there is no doubt in that she will struggle in every possible way she can to make things better. She brings joy to life. A girl comes in many types but every girl only wants these 3 things the most and they are love, care and respect. Whenever her loved ones needs her she will be there no matter how hurt she is. She gets hurt but tend not to show. She is great at hiding her pain. She is fragile but also competitive. She rocks at kicking anyone’s ass but she is also very affectionate. A girl might surprise you on anything because we girls are born to do anything we set our mind to. And hurting a girl is the worst thing anyone can do because when a girl is hurt, she goes through emotional as well as physical pain. Calling her beautiful makes her feel nice but telling her that she is ugly is just rude! She doesn’t always admit that she is beautiful when a guy tells her because sometimes she wants him to say it again and again because it makes her feel special. She gets all dressed up, puts make up on, changing her hairstyle etc… not because she wants to look like the queen for the people because she wants her guy to notice her and make her feel like like the queen of his heart. A girl has many sides such as being wild, crazy, fun, loving, caring, awesome, hatred, bitchy, whatsoever! But still little things means a lot to a girl. 🙂
It was a perfect day. Our hands intertwined as we were walking at the beach and feeling the cool waves brush our feet. It was beautiful and peaceful.
“How’s life lately?”, he asked innocently, not knowing what had occured in the past few days.
“Oh you know, the same old routine. Nothing much. But my brother’s being a pain in the ass these days.”, I replied, avoiding eye contact.
We were kind of disconnected for a few days due to his work. He was too busy and stressed out so we decided to have a break until his project was over. Now that his work was done, we decided to spend some time together.
“Are you sure?”, he asked knowing I was hiding something.
“Yeah.”, I said.
“Mhm. You know, you’re very bad at lying.”, he said.
I kept quiet, still avoiding eye contact.
“What happened sweety? Tell me.”, he asked with a concerned tone.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
He stood there firmly on the sand and I had to stop too as he was holding my hand and wasn’t letting go of it. Plus, my strength was no match of his as he was taller and stronger than me.
He then faced towards me, held my chin between his thumb and index and lifted my face. My eyes were teary at that moment.
“Well then why the tears, huh?”
I looked away immediately as the flashback played in my mind.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Few days ago*
It was night time and we were on our beds. Me and my brother, Azhar. He was already asleep and I was struggling to do so. Suddenly, I started hearing loud voices and when I noticed it was my parents. Again.
They would always let their anger out on eachother at this part of the day, assuming us to be sleeping and unaware of it. The next day, they would be pretending to be a very happy couple. Pfft. They are really bad at acting I must say. This was going on since many days and when I’d ask mom or dad about it they would just drop the topic leaving my questions unanswered. It had hurt me and made me fall into the deepest pit of depression that I started harming myself. I lost myself. I had nobody for comfort. No friends. No family. No love. No care. Nobody and nothing. Only the pain from the harm I caused to myself was an escape from the pain from the heartache.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
“WHAT HAPPENED?”, he yelled at me as he got no reply. He lifted my hands to shake me for a response, but as he was going to do so, the sleeve of my sweater fell, revealing the bloody scars. I could tell that he was astonished to see such mess by his facial expressions. His eyes were blood red and his body tense as the anger was raging inside him, which showed the dark side of him. Then he suddenly teared up, showing the soft side. He just pulled me closer to embrace me and my head was now resting on his chest. The plain white t-shirt covering the skin of his perfectly toned torso. The cologne he wore was my favourite. Silver Scent. I loved his hugs the most because they made me feel safe from every danger.
“Why do you do this to yourself?”. Clear pain could be felt in his tone. I moved backward, breaking the protectiveness I felt and asked, “Why do you smoke?”
“It’s just an escape from the stress, sweetheart.”, he said.
“Exactly.” was my answer.
“You are too beautiful to cut your skin.” , he said.
“And you are too beautiful to have lung cancer.”